I think I am doing great and then I am just knocked down all over again. Grieving is like that I guess. Fortunately I do not have much experience with it so this is all pretty new to me.
I was in Wal-Mart today with Maxwell and saw one of my former students who is now 16 years old. She had a little boy a few days before I had Madeline and wanted to show me his picture. I had seen her during my pregnancy so we knew that our children were expected around the same time. Of course, I dreaded the question about how my baby was and she remembered to ask. I told her that we had lost our little girl and she said she was really sorry. It was an awkward moment and I almost started crying in front of her but held it together. Maxwell and I walked away, saying nothing to each other, just feeling bad. I felt such sadness and disbelief that this young, immature 16 year old has a healthy child and I lost mine. Where is the fairness in that? I know life is not always fair and was reminded of that today.
I am struggling with my grief and still have days that I have to "fake" it. I have to put on a smiley face and have a good attitude for my children and stay positive even though I am feeling all but happy. What I really want is for the world to just stop for awhile and let me decide where I am in all of this. Life is getting back to normal and I guess that is what has me concerned. I feel like I am not ready to be "normal" again and by doing so, it will somehow lessen Madeline's significance. The world is moving on and people have a way of expecting you to move on too but I am resisting still. I know time plays a big part in healing and in some ways, it is getting easier. But it is still there and will be for a long time. Even in the midst of joy and laughter, the sadness creeps in and reminds me that the hurt is still so real and fresh..........One step forward, two steps back, but moving ahead nonetheless.
I continue to pray for our peace and happiness. There is so much to be thankful for and I will not overlook those things. Thank you for remembering us in your thoughts and prayers. We have had so many cards, emails, calls, meals and gifts and are so appreciative of each one.
Monstruosamente Solo ()
1 year ago