Wednesday, July 11, 2007

One Step Forward, 2 Steps Back

I think I am doing great and then I am just knocked down all over again. Grieving is like that I guess. Fortunately I do not have much experience with it so this is all pretty new to me.

I was in Wal-Mart today with Maxwell and saw one of my former students who is now 16 years old. She had a little boy a few days before I had Madeline and wanted to show me his picture. I had seen her during my pregnancy so we knew that our children were expected around the same time. Of course, I dreaded the question about how my baby was and she remembered to ask. I told her that we had lost our little girl and she said she was really sorry. It was an awkward moment and I almost started crying in front of her but held it together. Maxwell and I walked away, saying nothing to each other, just feeling bad. I felt such sadness and disbelief that this young, immature 16 year old has a healthy child and I lost mine. Where is the fairness in that? I know life is not always fair and was reminded of that today.

I am struggling with my grief and still have days that I have to "fake" it. I have to put on a smiley face and have a good attitude for my children and stay positive even though I am feeling all but happy. What I really want is for the world to just stop for awhile and let me decide where I am in all of this. Life is getting back to normal and I guess that is what has me concerned. I feel like I am not ready to be "normal" again and by doing so, it will somehow lessen Madeline's significance. The world is moving on and people have a way of expecting you to move on too but I am resisting still. I know time plays a big part in healing and in some ways, it is getting easier. But it is still there and will be for a long time. Even in the midst of joy and laughter, the sadness creeps in and reminds me that the hurt is still so real and fresh..........One step forward, two steps back, but moving ahead nonetheless.

I continue to pray for our peace and happiness. There is so much to be thankful for and I will not overlook those things. Thank you for remembering us in your thoughts and prayers. We have had so many cards, emails, calls, meals and gifts and are so appreciative of each one.


annemarie said...


I also lost my little girl on June 8th of this year. SHe was stillborn. I can really relate to your post. It is oddly comforting to know someone is going through this too...
anne marie lillwitz
mom to baby kelly T 18 and five other kids

Laurie said...

Dear Mandy, I just read your post and I am so sorry for the pain that is still so fresh from losing Madeline. This time is so tender for you and for Brian and because life does keep moving on faster than you may be ready for just yet, these times are going to take your breath away and hurt. I am praying for you and Brian that your journey through be gentle and that when these times come up, and they will, that it will bring sweet memories of your precious angel, and hurt a little bit less each time. I understand what you mean about putting on a fake smile for people.
I pray the Lord sends plenty of people to you in the days ahead, the kind of people who do not expect that smile, but be open to embrace the cries of your hearts.
I am praying for you daily and Jesus loves you guys so much. ~~Many Blessings to you, Brian and your 4 precious boys. Hold on to eachother with love.~~Laurie in Californiaxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Rose said...

Just recently found your blog. My heart aches for your pain in losing your precious daughter. I have walked with a friend who lost a baby to a rare disorder (born with no kidneys) and a niece who lost a baby boy to anencephaly - both utterly heart-wrenching times. And, yet, I can not say I know the pain the way you do b/c I have not walked in your shoes. I can only imagine; I have a 2 and 1/2 year old daugher and she is SO precious.

JUST A MOM said...

I am sending Prayers to Jesus to hold you tight these next few days. God bless you.

Laurie said...

Hi Mandy and Brian,

I am sending Love and Hugs from California today for you. I prayed for you last night at sunset that God would hold the two of you extra gentle as your hearts are so new to this pain of losing Madeline. There is no fast forward button to the other side of this time to catch up with life moving along 24/7. In your journey of life I see that you have been pulled off the road at a rest stop. Try to not be concerned with traffic speeding by on the highway. Give yourselves time to catch your breath and rest. Take as much time as you need so that when you get back out on the highway, you won't feel you have to fake it anymore, and be able to focus on the Hope in the road ahead. I pray the Lord refreshes and renews you with strength for today and each day ahead. Please don't worry Mandy and Brian, when the time comes to move ahead, Madeline will go with you in your hearts and not be left behind. The Lord will see to that!
He never lets us forget His blessings He gives us or the memories of them, He just helps to lessen the hurt with His gentle love. I pray your burden lightens a little each day as you remember to Rest in Gods rest stop.

~~~Love you guys in California~~

Laurie said...

Hi Mandy and Brian,
It's just me, Laurie, out here in California letting you know you are on my heart and in my prayers every day, especially at sunset. I keep thinking about how fresh your heartbreak is and I want so much to encourage you to not expect to bounce back into normal life until you have worked out this journey with each other spiritually and emotionally. It may take a little longer than you would think, but your relationship and your boys need the Lord's gentle healing touch right now. Be tender with yourselves, with each other, and with your great team of precious boys. You guys are so sweetly placed in my heart by the Lord and I will remember you daily. Madeline is safe and perfect in the Lord's hands. I am just so heartbroken that you aren't able to hold her and kiss her, this is what you long for most, I know in my heart. May Gods peace and joy rest upon you tonight and each day forward. ~~Love and Hugs to you all~~

Anonymous said...

Mandy & Brian,

Sending thoughts and prayers to you from Michigan this morning. My husband and I have a 15-month-old son, and can only imagine the grief you're both feeling. Please know that our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this most difficult time.

Anonymous said...

Mandy & Brian,

Sending thoughts and prayers to you from Michigan this morning. My husband and I have a 15-month-old son, and can only imagine the grief you're both feeling. Please know that our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this most difficult time.

Emily said...

I've been thinking about you so much and wanted to just let you know that I am praying for you daily. I am so, so sorry that you are walking this same road I am right now. I pray that you feel the presence of God in every curve of this roller coaster. Thank you again for sharing your heart and your sweet girl with me.

Big hugs.

Laurie said...

Hi Mandy, I want to let you know I am praying for you each and every day out here in California. May God give you His Peace and Comfort as you and Brian walk this tender time of healing together. I pray He pours out His blessings on you and that your sorrow will be embraced by wonderful and joy filled moments of the short time you had with her.~~Love and Hugs to you both today~~

Britmum said...


I have come to your blog via Just a Mom.

I have been exactly where you are. I lost my dear Annabel at 38 weeks 6 and a half years ago.

It honestly does get better and you will eventually find your place with it.

If you would ever like to chat then just let me know.

Take care and hugs to you xx