Friday, June 6, 2008

One Year Ago Today

We are very busy getting all the last minute details of the race done. It has been a great distraction for me and a blessing that I don't have the time to dwell on my sorrow as we approach Madeline's first b-day. It was one year ago that I had no reason to think she would come so soon. We got to meet Madeline on Thursday night about 8:30 after an emergency c-section. Her heart was beginning to show signs of stress, and my doctor decided it was best to take her a few weeks early. I am grateful that he did because she would not have made it another day, much less weeks. What an overwhelmingly emotional night that was! I have never been more scared in all my life, and I felt so helpless. I remember laying on the table in the delivery room waiting, what seemed like hours, for the doctor to deliver Madeline and I was trying to think of a scripture to calm me. All I could think of was "I can do all things through Christ who stregthens me!" I know I said it at least a hundred times as I laid their not knowing if Madeline would be alive when she was born. But God was good, and indeed she was alive. They wisked her away, and Brian got to go into the next room and watch as the nurses worked on her. I strained to hear her cry but she never really cried, just made little sweet sounds that I could barely hear. I asked my nurse over and over if Madeline was okay and tried to watch her face to see if I could tell by her expression what was going on with Madeline in the next room. You can not imagine the helplessness and fear I felt during those moments waiting to hear about my only daughter. Madeline was doing just fine and did not even need to be put on the ventilator. She was breathing on her own and only need a little oxygen in her nose. I spent a short time in the recovery room before getting to spend some time with Madeline. What a sight she was to me!!! Brian had been keeping me posted and had left me to go be with her since we did not know how long we had with her. Madeline was beautiful and so perfect in every way. God does not make mistakes! We tried to soak her up and I wished the clock would stop and we could have spent forever in that NICU, loving our only baby girl. What day June 7, 2007 was for our family and friends.
As I look back over the last year, it is only appropriate that we spend tomorrow celebrating the 12 hours we had with Madeline. We will honor her little life and the blessing that she was to us as we hold this first annual Miles for Madeline. I hope she is watching over us tomorrow and smiling down on us as we remember how she has changed our lives for the better.
Keep the race in your prayers and the blessings that God can give through our loss to others.