Sunday, March 29, 2009


Today is our 12th anniversary. I joked to Brian last night that if I had known then what I know now, that I might have changed my mind. But nothing could be further from the truth. It has been a wonderful 12 years full of more blessings that I can count. Never in a million years would I have thought that we would be the parents of five precious children and that one of those would not get to be with us for very long. And even though we have experienced the sadness of losing sweet Madeline, I would not do anything any differently.

Tonight I am missing her. Grayson fell asleep, as he always does when it is past his bedtime, in the living room. I picked him up and held him while he slept and loved every minute of it. He rarely is still long enough for me to hold him otherwise, so this was an extra special time for me. As I was looking at him sleeping in my arms, my heart really longed to be able to hold Madeline again. Sometimes, even nearly two years later, the ache is so overwhelming. I try to make myself not think about all that we lost when we lost her but for just a moment looking at her brother, I remembered and my heart hurts.

We still talk about Madeline alot. As recent as this afternoon, Harrison asked if Madeline could do anything she wanted since she was an angel. I overheard him tell his brothers that he thought she could move our house if she wanted to. I am so thankful that her memory lives on and she is still a very real part of our family. I hope it always stays that way. I know that it will never change for me.

On a more joyous note...we are beginning spring break this week and are so excited to do the things we usually reserve for the weekends. We look forward to staying up late, sleeping in, being totally off schedule, and doing lots of playing. We don't have any definate plans but hope to take a few days to enjoy some family time out of town. The boys can not decide where they want to go so we have not come to an agreement. I am just praying the weather will cooperate with us.

I am so thankful to have all the blessings that God has given me. Brian, if you are reading this, thank you for being the biggest blessing of all. Happy Anniversary.