I am up late and thinking of Madeline...................
The boys had a great birthday and I am a little saddened that they will soon be in pre-K and are now 4, going on 14. It is always bittersweet when your children get another year older and you feel like you are losing your baby, or in my case, babies. But as Brian reminded me tonight, there are so many more great times ahead for our family.
Which brings me to another thought. The good times will always be tinged with sadness since losing Madeline. We realized this on June 27th when the boys turned 4. We had hoped that Madeline would get to spend their birthday with us but she did not. We realized this again when we watched the fireworks with the boys and thought about how we wished Madeline was with us. I know there will be lots of wonderful times ahead with our family and friends but when I think of these times, a certain dread comes over me because I know little Madeline will never be there to share in this fun with us. A part of our family is missing and can not be replaced. They say time heals everything but no amount of time will totally dimish our loss.
I feel that loss each night (like now) when I am up because I can't sleep and think how nice it would be to be rocking Madeline or feeding her or changing her. I have "empty arms" and long to hold her little body. When I get really lonely for her, I have the little gown she wore and it still smells of her. I have it in a ziplock bag to "save" the smell and get it out occasionally to remember Madeline.
I recently did some organizing and decided to put up the changing table that has been in our room since the triplets were born. On this changing table held all of Madeline's things....her clothes, blankets that friends have made or given me, stuffed animals, books, all pink and hers. Some were things from the hospital like the blankets she last layed on and a box with a lock of her hair and her footprints. It was very hard putting her things away, harder than I imagined. My mama and sister helped me and we all had a good cry. Brian made me a beautiful box out of poplar to keep all of Madeline's things so whenever I need to look at them, I can.
Happy Fourth of July to all of you. Keep praying for us as we heal.
Monstruosamente Solo ()
1 year ago