It has now been three months since Madeline went to heaven and while there are days that I have such a peace about it, I still find it really difficult not to try to relive those 12 hours we had with her and wonder if I should have done things differently. I question if we did the right thing by letting Madeline go to the NICU or should we have just kept her in our arms until she took her last breath. I know you can't live your life in regret or wondering about all the "what if's" but it is really hard not to. I have thought over and over about how I spent each minute of that precious time with her and how it just wasn't enough. I sometimes don't know whether to smile or cry when I think of her because I still miss her so.
Today after eating out for lunch, the boys all got balloons when we left the restaurant. They, of course, wanted to let them go and watch them as they drifted up to heaven and out of sight. Maxwell mentioned that he hoped Madeline got one of those balloons to play with today, which led Grayson to ask how she got to heaven. I told him Jesus came to get her and he wanted to know if Jesus could fly and if Madeline rode on his back to heaven. I smiled as we talked about Madeline and am thankful the boys still ask about her. Their innocence and trust is so precious and it brings me comfort to know that they have a better understanding of Jesus and what He can do because of their sweet little sister that they will meet in heaven one day.
Monstruosamente Solo ()
2 years ago