Sunday, September 16, 2007

balloons for Madeline

It has now been three months since Madeline went to heaven and while there are days that I have such a peace about it, I still find it really difficult not to try to relive those 12 hours we had with her and wonder if I should have done things differently. I question if we did the right thing by letting Madeline go to the NICU or should we have just kept her in our arms until she took her last breath. I know you can't live your life in regret or wondering about all the "what if's" but it is really hard not to. I have thought over and over about how I spent each minute of that precious time with her and how it just wasn't enough. I sometimes don't know whether to smile or cry when I think of her because I still miss her so.

Today after eating out for lunch, the boys all got balloons when we left the restaurant. They, of course, wanted to let them go and watch them as they drifted up to heaven and out of sight. Maxwell mentioned that he hoped Madeline got one of those balloons to play with today, which led Grayson to ask how she got to heaven. I told him Jesus came to get her and he wanted to know if Jesus could fly and if Madeline rode on his back to heaven. I smiled as we talked about Madeline and am thankful the boys still ask about her. Their innocence and trust is so precious and it brings me comfort to know that they have a better understanding of Jesus and what He can do because of their sweet little sister that they will meet in heaven one day.


noah's mom erin said...

Noah and I still pray for your family. He asks quite often about how you are and how I think Madeline is doing. When I explained everything to him as it happened, he too asked how Jesus came to get Madeline and he pictured a rocket and Madeline hanging around with the stars in the sky. Last week, after drama with Maxwell and Noah, Noah told Maxwell that he was still sorry about his baby sister and that he was glad you all got to meet her and take her picture so you could remember her. I know you are all dealing with your feelings every minute of everyday and wanted you to know that we continue to pray for understanding and peace.

Emily said...

Precious Mandy,

You know I can identify with every word. I, too, struggle to not live in regret and to believe that God has remained and will continue to remain sovereign over all things, including each moment of Miller Grace's life, just as He was over Madeline's life. Hope insisted that we send her birthday balloons to Miller Grace after her party on Saturday. How precious that both our girls had siblings sending them love this weekend! I really think we'll be sending Miller Grace balloons when the girls are 20 and 22. ;) Sometimes I like to ask God for BIG things that don't seem possible. One of those things right now is for Miller Grace to be holding every balloon we've sent when I arrive in Heaven! Doesn't that silly thought just make you smile a little?? ;) I'm praying for you. ALL these anniversaries are hard. Someday, I pray the days mean less and the sweet memories of our girls and the hope that comes in knowing that each day that passes puts us one day closer to holding them again overshadows the details and regrets. Until then, I'm lifting you up!

Laurie said...

Mandy (and Emily too)

I think the balloons are such a precious thing to share with your daughters sibblings. I think it is something all children understand and it must, in some small way, touch your hearts to the core. Your girls will always be a part of your familys daily lives, just a spirit away, but should always hold a special place. They had lives and they lived them to the fullest in the time they had. I wish I could take the hurt away for you but only the Lord leading you through can do this. So I will keep praying that the days hold something joyful each day in remembering through the hurt. And when the day comes to meet them in heaven, you won't have to look too hard, they will be the prettiest little girls holding the biggest bunches of balloons. Hold them in your hearts until then. I pray your week is sweet and peaceful and full of love. Laurie

JMom said...

Mandy- I just found your blog in a roundabout way. I am also a triplet Mom. Praying for you today.
I am reminded of John 10:10, "The thief comes to kill, steal and destroy..." Do not let the thief rob you of your joy as you remember your time with Madeline. My prayer for you today is that it may all be well with your soul.

Especially Heather said...

Im still praying for you and your family...

Just wanted you to know that.

bimw said...

Thank you for your comment and prayers. I have looked back over your blog some to learn your story, and I am so sorry for your loss as well. It is hard to lose a baby the way I did, but it must be so much harder when your baby was born alive and then passed away. I am sure you are so thankful for the time you had to hold her and talk to her, and love her, but I know that your pain must be so bitter and so deep! I am crying and hurting with you! I will be praying for you too, as I know this must all still be so fresh on your heart!

Love in Christ,