I am not sure what to say tonight as I attempt to write this, but I have people tell me that they check my blog to stay in touch and see how we are doing. Honestly, I feel so lost much of the time. We are all back in school and I am busy with our normal routine now, but I still feel an overwhelming loss and emptiness, even in the midst of my everyday life. I feel so numb at times when I think of the last year and all that we have experienced. It is hard to wrap my head around losing Madeline and I guess I just find it difficult to know what I should feel as life goes on around me. Brian is right when he says it will always be a part of our day, a part of us and our family.
We visited the cemetary today. As usual, while I am there, I have a strong desire to hold Madeline again. Sometimes, looking down at the dirt that is still so fresh, not even covered with grass yet, I can not believe that she is gone. It all happened so fast and seems unreal to me at times. It is with such sadness still that I visit her there. I know one day it may not hurt quite as much, as time passes. Until then, we will go through the motions of our grief and pray that God gives us the peace to not question His plan. Lately, I have tried to make sense of this but I can not. Like so many things in this cruel world, losing a child is beyond our understanding. Only God knows why. Please pray for our strength and healing as we face each new day and miss our sweet baby girl.