Sunday, August 5, 2007


I am not sure what to say tonight as I attempt to write this, but I have people tell me that they check my blog to stay in touch and see how we are doing. Honestly, I feel so lost much of the time. We are all back in school and I am busy with our normal routine now, but I still feel an overwhelming loss and emptiness, even in the midst of my everyday life. I feel so numb at times when I think of the last year and all that we have experienced. It is hard to wrap my head around losing Madeline and I guess I just find it difficult to know what I should feel as life goes on around me. Brian is right when he says it will always be a part of our day, a part of us and our family.


We visited the cemetary today. As usual, while I am there, I have a strong desire to hold Madeline again. Sometimes, looking down at the dirt that is still so fresh, not even covered with grass yet, I can not believe that she is gone. It all happened so fast and seems unreal to me at times. It is with such sadness still that I visit her there. I know one day it may not hurt quite as much, as time passes. Until then, we will go through the motions of our grief and pray that God gives us the peace to not question His plan. Lately, I have tried to make sense of this but I can not. Like so many things in this cruel world, losing a child is beyond our understanding. Only God knows why. Please pray for our strength and healing as we face each new day and miss our sweet baby girl.




MANDY

13 comments:

Rose said...

I feel sadness with you knowing full well that it has no comparison to the depth of your sadness and grief. I am so sorry for your loss of Madeline.

queeniep said...

I read your blog each day. You have so much strength. I pray for you each day and for you beautiful children. Your faith in God and all the teaching you know are and will continue to be your strength. I pray that each day will be a bit easier for you family to put your feet on the floor and step towards the day.
May the God of blessings and love be with you and your today.

Laurie said...

Dear Mandy and Brian,
I just read your post this morning and I wish there were words I could say to ease your sadness and pain. It is so very new for you and it sadly is a big part of your new normal you are faced to walk in. Madeline will always be there in your every day. I just pray for you that someday down the road, the pain and tears will lend way to peace and tender memories without hurting so much. Such an unimaginable place to be at, happy for life that goes on daily coupled with such fresh sadness of losing Madeline. I will continue to pray for Gods strength to be sufficient for all of you. I pray He balances the weight of this burden for you as you continue walking through this valley. God Bless all of you each day with a new peace and something to smile and laugh about,
even if through pain. I will add a painted stone in my Angel garden for Madeline in my back yard. There are several now and this makes me so sad. They remind me to pray for their loved ones left behind. Madeline will not be forgotten and neither will you. ~*~ Love and Hugs and Peace to you from Ca. today~*~ Laurel

Miss Mommy said...

Mandy,
I do not speak from experience, but I would have to think that the hardest part about this for you is that you, as her mother, were truly the closest to her and felt her presence longer than anyone who only just knew her that one day. She was the daughter you dreamed you would have, she was the exciting news you got to share with everybody, she was a little flutter in your stomach as you went along with your day. You had a whole future planned out for her that now will not be and I would think that would be the hardest thing. I don't agree with the saying, "It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all." You have loved and lost and it is not better to have done that.

Keep her alive in your family in your prayers, your meal time blessings and whenever anyone asks you how many children you have, include the angel whose name you know, Madeline.

Britmum said...

Hi Mandy

We set up a charity in memory of our daughter who was stillborn 6 years ago. We have a packet that you can download and read on there. Its www.ahtrust.org. I hope that this helps you in some way.

Hugs to you from a mother who has lost her daughter too. xx

Aunt_Nette said...

I was out geocaching today. And one of the sites was in a cemetary. They have an area that they call babyland. And I thought of you and said a prayer for you and your husband. Whenever I found the cache I did some time reflecting on my brothers life. He was only 40 when he died this past May. I know I spent a lot more time with him than you did your daughter, but I am thankful that he is with our Savior.

Heather said...

Dear Mandy, I was so happy to check today and see that you had updated. ((hug)) Praying for you as you take little steps...each one holds more healing. My heart hurts as I can't even imagine the grief you bear. Praying for comfort...-heather

Emily said...

Mandy,

I'm right here with you. We visited the cemetery today, too. We haven't yet ordered Miller Grace's stone, so it's a challenge to decorate it. Today, I found a decorative cross/garden stake that seemed appropriate and a tiny angel (though I always claimed I'd never be one of "those" people). Then I put three big pink fresh gerber daisies by the angel and scattered fresh white daisies all over the dirt (not grass either) of her grave. It's so hard. There are no words to say how you feel, sitting there so close to the tiny little one that so recently was thriving inside of you and is now gone from your sight completely... You're right. Only God knows why. And only we know just how broken these little girls have left us. I'm praying for you healing and your comfort as you keep putting one foot in front of the other. I'm just an email away and I know your ache all too well.... Many, many hugs and prayers to you. I do hope little Madeline and Miller Grace are having fun with Jesus tonight! :)

Laurie said...

Dear Mandy and Brian,
I visit you each day here to see how you are doing. The picture I see from your August 5th post says it all and I am praying for you to gently find your way through all of this pain. I am so sorry but truly understand when you say you feel so lost much of the time. Just know you are not lost to God, He has His eye on you every minute of each day. I pray for your strength and healing to be refreshed daily as you miss Madeline more with each new day. Brian is right in saying this will always be a part of your family. This has left a huge hole in your normal routine and it is so new still. You are experiencing every emotion known to life right now and it must feel so unsettling
and unpredictable. I pray for you and Brian to draw closer than ever before to eachother and be eachothers rock and comfort. And I pray for the 4 of your boys to have an abundance of joy in their little lives. They are precious. Your family has a special place in my heart. ~*~Strength, Healing, Joy and Much Love to you from me in Ca.~*~Laurel

Joanna said...

I just found your blog from your link on 'Especially Heather'. I too lost a precious baby in June, 8 years ago. He was our first-born and so, so precious but born with a very under-developed heart. Your blog reminds me so much of those agonising early days of grief. I remember feeling so strongly how there would always be this huge hole in our family, no matter what happened in the future. I was so jealous of 'complete' families. But 8 years on and 2 precious little girls later, I can tell you that the Lord is so gracious in his healing, and there is not a huge hole in our family, it is only a manageable gap which is no longer agonising, but instead is full of sweet, sweet memories. Those first 6 months were so painful but so full of God's blessings and love too. Sometimes I (occasionally) wish I was back in that time again so that my memories of Benjamin were so fresh and recent and the love so huge. The love is still huge, but often not brought to the front of my mind. I still do not know why such awful things have to happen - I still do not understand why God heals some and not others, but I kind of jump over that issue in my mind and just seek His face and know that He is still worthy to be praised, no matter what. And I am looking forward to seeing my precious son in Heaven one day. Sending you my prayers and blessings.

Especially Heather said...

Still praying..

-H

Angie Luce said...

Thank you for your words! I hate that others have already walked this road before me, yet there is also a sense of fellowship in the suffering. I feel a connection with each person who has experienced this, and I pray that God will use each of these special babies in ways we don't understand. Please know that me and my husband will be praying for you as well!

Nathan Luce said...

I wanted to add my sentiments to my wife's...I really appreciate all that you have said on your blog. I read it last night, not without tears, and have taken comfort in knowing that you've survived, as I wonder how in the world I'll make it. I'm so anxious about all that is going to happen in our lives with our baby but I know that amidst all the confusion, God will be there and He is able to carry us through. Thank you especially for the comment you left on our blog to let us know that you are out there, you understand and you are praying.