struggling

I have learned a lot about myself in the last year. I think I am strong and do a pretty good job convincing myself that I am, but today I realized I am not doing as good as I want to believe. It has been almost three months since Madeline died and it has gotten easier in many ways. Each day is so busy with school, the boys, and just life that I am often too preoccupied to allow myself the time to just think. To think of how badly I miss her, to look at her pictures, to try to remember all the little details. Maybe it is just easier on the heart not to remember.


There is not an hour that goes by that I do not think of Madeline and the impact she has had on my life. But I realized last night that I have not really allowed myself to grieve for my child. As long as I do not dwell on Madeline and push her to the back of my mind, I am okay. Life goes on and I can pretend the hurt is not there. I guess it is easier sometimes to just forget all of this ever happened. Not to disregard Madeline's precious little life in any way, but to protect my heart. As I walked past her box in my room with all of her belongings last night, I stopped and thought about her little gown that I used to smell that had her sweet scent. I wondered if it still smelled of her, but would not allow myself to continue to think about it because the pain is too great. I just pushed the thought away and went to bed. Maybe this is a normal part of grief, to just act as if all is well and not get caught up in remembering. If I don't think about it, maybe I can make my heart believe this never happened and is all just a bad dream.

Lately, as I read what other mothers who are expecting babies like Madeline write, I am reminded that it was so much easier to be faithful and positive before Madeline was born. During the pregnancy I had no choice but to BELIEVE and stay strong in my faith, but now I find that I question God. Why? What is the reason behind all of this? I recently finished a book about heaven, hoping for some comfort, maybe even some answers to my many questions. I do believe but I just have to remind myself sometimes that this is not all there is to life. That I will see Madeline again one day and when I do, all this will be forgotten and not matter.

There is an abundance of evidence in my life that God is good and is indeed real. I really don't have to look hard to see it. I just have to remind myself that He is in control and it is okay for me not be.

Glory Baby by Watermark - Rhapsody Player

Glory Baby by Watermark - Rhapsody Player-click to hear the song!

This song speaks our hearts. Brian and I are left here on earth and miss Madeline so much each day. We know Madeline is in Heaven and one day we will hold her and love her again. Until then we have to cherish our memories of our short time with her and believe in eternity when we can have Madeline with us forever. This song says all that we feel so perfectly.

MANDY

Sometimes

The following poem was written by Heather, a fellow blogger, who is battling a brain tumor. When I read it on her blog, I so identified with her thoughts. These words spoke to my heart and express where I am right now. You can visit Heather at especiallyheather.com She is an amazing woman who never fails to inspire.

Mandy


It is best not to say anything at all.
To be still in the moment.
Let the emotions rush over you like a raging river.
Get up and brush yourself off.
And start over again.
Sometimes…
Things can’t be put back together.
They can't go back to the way they once were.
But you can be better because of the experience.
Despite the experience.
Sometimes….
You have to let things go.

You have to let things be.

You have to let go and let God.

I am not sure what to say tonight as I attempt to write this, but I have people tell me that they check my blog to stay in touch and see how we are doing. Honestly, I feel so lost much of the time. We are all back in school and I am busy with our normal routine now, but I still feel an overwhelming loss and emptiness, even in the midst of my everyday life. I feel so numb at times when I think of the last year and all that we have experienced. It is hard to wrap my head around losing Madeline and I guess I just find it difficult to know what I should feel as life goes on around me. Brian is right when he says it will always be a part of our day, a part of us and our family.

We visited the cemetary today. As usual, while I am there, I have a strong desire to hold Madeline again. Sometimes, looking down at the dirt that is still so fresh, not even covered with grass yet, I can not believe that she is gone. It all happened so fast and seems unreal to me at times. It is with such sadness still that I visit her there. I know one day it may not hurt quite as much, as time passes. Until then, we will go through the motions of our grief and pray that God gives us the peace to not question His plan. Lately, I have tried to make sense of this but I can not. Like so many things in this cruel world, losing a child is beyond our understanding. Only God knows why. Please pray for our strength and healing as we face each new day and miss our sweet baby girl.

MANDY

The triplets are in Pre-K!

Boy, how time flies when you are having fun.......Harrison, Grayson, and Ashton started pre-Kindergarten this week and are enjoying it so much. They think they are in "big" school like Maxwell and are enjoying learning all the rules at school, although following them is a different story. Our dinner conversations are always interesting as they share stories about their day and who did what. There are no secrets when you have three little boys who love to tattle on each other.