Better late, than never

It has been so long since I sat down to write my feelings. I have thought about it often but for many reasons, I do not write. One of them is my lack of ability to express my feelings lately. I have really been in a state of feeling emotionless..if that is really something you can feel. As I read and talk to other people who have experienced grief like only a parent can, this is just part of it. I am glad to know that I am not weird or unloving, but just at a place where I feel numb and can not for the life of me describe it. Maybe it is part of the healing.

It has been exactly five months since Madeline was born and then left us. There were times when I thought I would never make it here, but life has a way of pushing you along even when you refuse to move. Not a single hour goes by that I don't think of her or miss her, but I can now smile when I think of what a special baby she was and how blessed I feel that I was chosen to be her mother.

My own mother and sister still have difficulty talking about Madeline without lots of tears and I know they both wonder about me sometimes, when I am the only one not crying (I credit some really great meds too!) but I have come to a conclusion that has helped me to cope with losing Madeline. When I found out on January 8th that Madeline had this terminal diagnosis, I began the grief process then. The idea I had of a healthy baby, a healthy daughter that would be my soft spot in my world of boys, was crushed. I felt like all my hopes and dreams were lost. But what I did not realize then, but know for sure now, is that Madeline would not be who she was intended by God to be if she had been exactly as I had planned her. It really is a blessing that we are not in control of our lives because I never would have written mine with this outcome. God knew how badly I wanted a little girl and He could not have given me a more perfect one than Madeline Grace Hopkins. And even though she is not the child I had planned or dreamed about, she is even better. I knew early on that Madeline would not be "normal" and that I probably would never parent her like I have our other children. I was able to grieve the loss of that dream and it is only recently that I knew that as badly as I missed her and wanted her here to share in our life, Madeline would not be herself if she were able to do that. She was exactly as God intended her and I would not trade her for a healthy daughter anyday because that would mean changing her. Madeline was perfect in all ways, in our eyes and God's.

We still have moments when sadness looms and feels like it is taking hold and I think that it seems like just yesterday that we buried Madeline. I drive by the cemetary and sometimes can't stop. I guess denial makes it a little easier too. It all seems unreal that we have lost a child, one we hardly had a chance to know and love. We miss her and the boys still talk about Madeline and pray for her. Maxwell always thanks God for taking care of her for us and Harry commented just yesterday that he didn't ever get to meet Madeline. They will always "know" her because we will never stop talking about her or sharing all the blessings she brought into our lives.

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Four Good Reasons to Smile!!!

Love's Embrace

The following poem was written by a teacher at my school who was gracious enough to let me share it here with you. She attended Madeline's funeral and reflects on all the sights and sounds of that moment in time. What is so beautiful about this sweet gift is that this was her first attempt at writing of any kind, but you would never know it by reading her eloquent words. It is something I will always deeply treasure, as it is a reminder to me the impact a tiny baby had on so many. Thank you so much Mrs. Mc for these beautiful words. I am honored that you were inspired to write them.


Love’s Embrace

Twilight’s subtle hues –
above, horizons kiss.

A solitary portrait of mother and child –
held in an infinite moment –
capturing love’s embrace.

The inner circle’s bonds steadfast -
as hearts unite as one –
mother to daughter –
generations connected.

Heads bent in prayer –
as somber silence surrounds the cherub who slumbers.

Evenings voices chafing –
heaviness of hearts – barren, displaced.

Whispers of God’s presence rippled –
through boughs of sweet pine –
the symphony from his creatures –
both great and small, bring comfort to all.

While strength from the outermost –
buttressed, with encouragement and compassion.

Balloons float adrift from the hand of a brother –
setting soul and spirit towards –
Love’s Embrace.

By Jenny McMahan

praying for Copeland

Please join me and pray for the Farley family from Tennessee. Boothe delivered a little girl named Copeland today. She weighed 4 pounds and is breathing on her own. Copeland has Trisomy 18, like Madeline. This sweet family needs our prayers so much right now. Please pray that they will get lots of precious time with their new little girl.

Mandy

balloons for Madeline

It has now been three months since Madeline went to heaven and while there are days that I have such a peace about it, I still find it really difficult not to try to relive those 12 hours we had with her and wonder if I should have done things differently. I question if we did the right thing by letting Madeline go to the NICU or should we have just kept her in our arms until she took her last breath. I know you can't live your life in regret or wondering about all the "what if's" but it is really hard not to. I have thought over and over about how I spent each minute of that precious time with her and how it just wasn't enough. I sometimes don't know whether to smile or cry when I think of her because I still miss her so.

Today after eating out for lunch, the boys all got balloons when we left the restaurant. They, of course, wanted to let them go and watch them as they drifted up to heaven and out of sight. Maxwell mentioned that he hoped Madeline got one of those balloons to play with today, which led Grayson to ask how she got to heaven. I told him Jesus came to get her and he wanted to know if Jesus could fly and if Madeline rode on his back to heaven. I smiled as we talked about Madeline and am thankful the boys still ask about her. Their innocence and trust is so precious and it brings me comfort to know that they have a better understanding of Jesus and what He can do because of their sweet little sister that they will meet in heaven one day.

struggling

I have learned a lot about myself in the last year. I think I am strong and do a pretty good job convincing myself that I am, but today I realized I am not doing as good as I want to believe. It has been almost three months since Madeline died and it has gotten easier in many ways. Each day is so busy with school, the boys, and just life that I am often too preoccupied to allow myself the time to just think. To think of how badly I miss her, to look at her pictures, to try to remember all the little details. Maybe it is just easier on the heart not to remember.


There is not an hour that goes by that I do not think of Madeline and the impact she has had on my life. But I realized last night that I have not really allowed myself to grieve for my child. As long as I do not dwell on Madeline and push her to the back of my mind, I am okay. Life goes on and I can pretend the hurt is not there. I guess it is easier sometimes to just forget all of this ever happened. Not to disregard Madeline's precious little life in any way, but to protect my heart. As I walked past her box in my room with all of her belongings last night, I stopped and thought about her little gown that I used to smell that had her sweet scent. I wondered if it still smelled of her, but would not allow myself to continue to think about it because the pain is too great. I just pushed the thought away and went to bed. Maybe this is a normal part of grief, to just act as if all is well and not get caught up in remembering. If I don't think about it, maybe I can make my heart believe this never happened and is all just a bad dream.

Lately, as I read what other mothers who are expecting babies like Madeline write, I am reminded that it was so much easier to be faithful and positive before Madeline was born. During the pregnancy I had no choice but to BELIEVE and stay strong in my faith, but now I find that I question God. Why? What is the reason behind all of this? I recently finished a book about heaven, hoping for some comfort, maybe even some answers to my many questions. I do believe but I just have to remind myself sometimes that this is not all there is to life. That I will see Madeline again one day and when I do, all this will be forgotten and not matter.

There is an abundance of evidence in my life that God is good and is indeed real. I really don't have to look hard to see it. I just have to remind myself that He is in control and it is okay for me not be.